Apparently you make a good broom.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
