Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
