You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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