I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
