Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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