You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
