I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
