This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
