Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
