Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
