My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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