you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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