Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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