Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
if only i could text you this smell
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
