Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I lost the right to judge tonight
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
