i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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