I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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