Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
