I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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