We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
