Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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