He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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