mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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