I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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