Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
