i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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