ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i dont even know how to be here
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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