I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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