So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
