When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
