It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
