Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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