sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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