I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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