I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
