Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
