I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
