I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
