the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
