last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Text me some of your sweat
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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