Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
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