K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
