I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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