xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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