Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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