Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
