im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
