All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
