She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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