I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
