I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
